Monday, February 1, 2010

How 'bout them apples?

Call me the poop patrol. The Dooky Duty. The loaf liaison. The fudge force. The stool squad. The sewage sentinel.1

Why? you ask so sweetly.

Hmmmm...I daresay, this is becoming a pattern around here...

The gleam is still there, isn't it?

Only now, does it seem to have a bit of glassy glimmer in there?

Oh silly me, that's just the marble he swallowed last night.

With Real Gil currently eating Indian food somewhere not within Skype range, is it any surprise this is where our Sunday evening headed?

"No, you did not," I spouted confidently.

He nodded and repeated, "I fwallowed it."

"No, you did not?" I pleaded, mentally scrambling to change courses from bedtime to chaos-time.

He just smiled, loving the attention. Minutes later, as I hung up the phone with a nurse hotline, he jumped with delight, announcing to his worried sisters, "I'na go to ho-pital." His elation disturbed the quickly recruited Gramma who tried her best not to smile as I buckled him in to the carseat.

"I goin' to ho-pital and make new fwiends."

As my two-year old terror ran around the waiting room in his footsie pajamas, at least one stranger looked my direction, wondering what contagious ailment I could possibly have that would incite me to bring my toddler to the ER. It had to be me that was sick, because of course, it couldn't be the healthy, energetic ball of innocence in the zip-up jammies.

Nah, we're just here to collect all the unsightly germs from the pencaps and doorknobs before we head home to spread them
, said my sarcastic double.

Makes me want to swim in Purell just thinking about it.

The guy with a clipboard called our name and Jedd skipped through the double doors.

And about twenty minutes later, he skipped back through those double doors.

One negative about having a perfectly positive ER visit: there are no negatives (for the two-year old, that is). Charming strangers? Getting your picture taken under a cool X-ray machine? Staying up late with Mama and no sisters?

In my mind, I was pulling on the back of the doctor's white coat, begging for the infliction of some pain - not too much to traumatize the kid, just enough to make the point. No needles? No IVs? Nothing?!!

Jedd loved it.

Want to know how I know, other than the sheer jubilation on his face last night? Two big clues.

The last two marbles to be found in my house.

Where did I find them?

Oh, just in his mouth this morning.

Thankfully, my shriek did not cause the child's swallow response to kick into gear. He spit them out and looked out me with confusion. Like a toddler racing towards mischief, I scrambled after the two marbles of madness. Then, I carried his wiggling, screaming mass into the time out chair for loving (kinda) discipline.

As the Real Gil returns home in 118 117 hours and thirty minutes, I am planning my response to his next year's epic world expedition: I understand there are great rates on flights to Timbuktu and the hotels are phenomenally cheap. Just keep in mind, my Love, that the ER visits will run you at least another $500, not counting x-rays and the subsequent germs we fight for weeks afterwards. (Sweet smile to soften the blow.)

Other than writing weird poop posts, I'm busy trying to track down the chest x-ray the medical professionals took. My dearest thirdborn, stripped to nothing but white bones with gray clouds on black...and one mysterious, glowing circle sitting proudly in his stomach. I could have saved myself all of this time writing and just posted the x-ray, you'd get the point just as well (if not better!).

The first question is, where is it now?

Naturally, the second question is, what gear other than goggles and gloves should I use when bobbing for these apples?

Footnote 1: In "mother-time," it took me exactly twenty, Nap minutes* to come up with this list of disgusting poop synonyms (try googling THAT!), and another ten minutes to figure out how to do footnotes on Blogger. This was a very wise use of my time today. *Nap minutes are worth double as they are quiet, peaceful, precious moments in an otherwise not-quiet-nor-peaceful, but definitely precious day...except for the Tatertot Treasure Hunt (that one was a freebie.).


Karen said...

If I cared about how many people read this blog, I'd wonder why only four people read this (one being mySELF). It's not like I write crap or anything.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the invitation. I went back to the beginning and have discovered that we have way more in common than just a name. Can you say kindred spirits?
I so had Mrs. Bateman for AP English-before she had kids. Who have already graduated (old, I'm so old).
And Matty's favorite joke? He has the same sense of humor as Jed.But it has been fed by evil teen and preteen boys.
I lots of other things to comment on but my mind has wandered off.
Loving the blog and the writing. Keep it up. Karen

Anonymous said...

But wait, there is more. Forwarded the fabulous parenting article to my whole adoptive mommy group, thank you very much. And There are so many days that I do feel used. Totally used up and wrung out. I love your fresh perspective. On those days I'm right where God wants me to be. From now I'll try to remember to be thankful for the opportunity to be used so completely. K